last time lucky.

you have no idea how much you mean to me, do you? it's amazing, the things you do and say. the way you look into my eyes and the way you can say one thing and make it all better.  to know you generally care, makes me happier than ever. i love how you make plans and how you don't cancel for anybody. these years have been great, we haven't fought once. but last night.. i fell to my knees, i couldn't breathe, my heart condition was getting worse and what you said literally took my breath away. i curled up on the ground of my bedroom floor and just layed there. i couldn't cry, i couldn't smile. i never thought about how much it'd hurt losing you, over something so rediculous. after two hours of tears, you apologised and said you saw photos and that you missed me already. i still couldn't smile, this is the second time you've done this to me, two nights in a row, you have caused me this pain. i don't whether to believe you or what to say to you. but this your last chance. i'm only going to let you kill me once.

empty.

what do you do when you lose someone so close you could call them your brother? someone you are so comfortable with, that you could say anything and not care what they would think, do or say. how do you breathe? speak? or even function. i can't even smile, i won't smile until we are alright again.

28.09.08.

every night i remember that evening, the way you looked when you said you were leaving, the way you cried as you turned to walk away. the cruel words and the false accusations, the mad looks and the same old frustrations. i never thought that we’d throw it all away. i’m a little bit lost without you and i’m a bloody big mess inside. i’ve been lost, i've been out, i’ve been losing my mind,  i’ve been tired, i’m hurt and confused and i’ve been mad. i’ll come back fighting, i may be scared and a little frightened, but i'll miss you until you're here again.

i don't know anymore.

i still get butterflies when i think of you and the things we did. i still smile when i see photos or hear your name. it feels like yesterday i first saw you. everything you did or said, made me happy. you know that and you know you liked having me around too. i don't remember the last time we spoke and if some one were to even mention you, i wouldn't remember what you look like. it's been awhile since i've heard your voice and seen your face. it's like you don't exist anymore. i miss you more than ever. you used to make me whole. without you here, i feel like there is a part of me missing. i believe that if you were here, i wouldn't feel this empty. i wouldn't feel like this all of the time. so please, once again, save me. you have no idea how much you changed me, good ways and bad.

we drifted apart.

i fought and fought for your trust, i really did. i hate having a reason to say sorry, especially to you. and now we are distant. far from being each others favourites anymore. you were the light in my sky and i used to be too. but i did so many things to make you upset and mad, i regret every little thing i did or said to you. you know why? because after every body gave up, you fought for me. you fought for my happiness, which i soon recieved. now i blame you for my happiness, i thank you for every thing and i'm sorry we're just people we know, not love.

i give up.

so after all the un answered questions and all the ignoring? i give up. i refuse to waste another second of my time, thinking about you. i don't know how things became this way and i sure as hell don't know what i've done. but this is it. i'm saying goodbye. i'm deleteing your number and erasing you from my mind. good bye, my almost lover.

i'm gone.

i want you to know that it doesn't matter where we took that road, someone had to go. even with our fists held high, it never would have worked out right. i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better. it's not that i wanted you to move on, but it was the best option. i never wanted you to leave and i didn't ever and have never ever regreted anything we shared and felt. looking at you makes it harder. and i know that you've found another, that doesn't try to take control and make you wanna cry. it started with the perfect kiss then, we could feel the poison set in. but, so called "perfect" couldn't keep this love alive. we were always meant to say goodbye.