what are you getting at?

the boy you have been in love with for years, is blatantly still in love with you but is doing the same as his cousin. wanting to get over you by getting with all of these girls. saying hurtful things to push you further away, and then a couple of days later telling you he didn't mean it. telling me he still misses you. he smiled when he saw you today. i know you don't want to be with him because of what he's done, but you want to be with him for who he used to be and what he used to treat you like. you still love him and always will. i was texting one of his mates, we were trying to sort things out between yous two and turn it around and think that i'm texting up his mate who you claim to have a thing for? that's not fair? you dibs all of these people and expect me not text anyone? i know it might sound a bit dodge, but seriously. you can't say you want all of them at the same time and get mad at me if i text one, i'm texting him, not texting him up. fuck. get over it. even if i did like him, or will end up liking him. i'm your best friend, you should accept that i'm happy?

butterflies in my tummy.

i write about everything on my mind. what makes me mad, upset. most of all, happy. you make me happy. when i first layed eyes on you, i swear i fell in love.

i am missing a part of me.

nobody gets over the fact people change. people accept it, people move on, but i'm one of those people who don't. i miss how close we used to be and how we would both understand every bit of what we said. i could never, ever picture us so distant from each other and never really wanted too. i guess this is what it feels like, to lose a part of you. a part of you, you could once call home. most of it i blame on myself. "we could never be like that, it would ruin everything." i should have listened to you, you should have too. you messed with my mind for weeks, and although we both knew what we were doing was wrong, we both didn't think to stop it. we are both to blame, but i don't recall being the one who ended every thing after a night spent together. losing a part of me has changed a lot, i don't trust anybody anymore and now there is a wall around my heart. i miss you my brother, but things have changed. the worst bit is, you have too. it's like you don't exist anymore, and for me? it's the hardest thing to get over. i'll miss you, for who you used to be. not who you're trying to be.

laura laura laura.

the fact we don't get sick of each other. the fact we make awkward moments, more awkward. the fact we have the same sense of humour. the fact we call each others parents our own. the fact we like the same things. the fact when we have an argument, we both end up on the ground in tears of laughter. the fact we get drunk together and we are even funnier together. the fact you are my best friend and i am yours.

everyones changes.

you're rude. you're negative. you lie. you are filthy. you're a thief. you lead more than one guy on at a time, for comfort to get over him. you bitch about your few mates behind their backs, when you should learn that you are running low on them. you have a huge go at your mates when you're drunk, saying the truth and expect them to forgive you in the morning, using the excuse "i was drunk." you blame everything on me. you annoy me because you think its funny. you get mad for sticking up for my mates. you hate it when i hang out with other people. you expect me not to go back and tell my best friend what you say about her and get mad if you find out. you think you know everything about fashion because you work at a well known retailer, and tell everyone they look bad. you fall in love with people you have never met. you say you're going to change, you say you're going to stop being so negative. but that isn't the only reason you have no friends. this friendship is nothing anymore, your reputation is close to rubbing off onto me. don't think about texting me or contacting me in anyway, because this time. i want nothing to do with you and i hope you learn from what you've done and realise why no body likes you anymore.

your eyes remind me of the ocean.

a while ago, before any of this pain struck. i chose to do the ocean for my theme for photography. when ever i see the ocean, it reminds me of you. but, i don't care. i'm still doing the ocean, because you did make me happy.

boy, what have you done.

i cryed for the first time last night. the first time i've cryed about what you have done. do you ever stop and think what you have done?

i didn't deserve this.

the things you said to me, is what you say to her. the fact you can just walk away like nothing happened between me and you and then ignore me for two weeks is sick. what makes it worse is during those two weeks, you replaced me with her.

tonight, im sad.

she told me you like her and that she likes you too. i know exactly what you would say to her and exactly how you are making her feel. the worst part is, you lied when i asked you if you two had a thing. the worser part is, she told me before you did.

i miss you.

i miss staying at your house, i miss staying up until five oclock in the morning talking, i miss playing xbox with you, i miss getting high with you, i miss playing with dead birds while we are supose to be burying it, i miss making recordings, i miss liking the same things, i miss tackling people onto the staircases, i miss taking photos, i miss you looking after me while im sick, i miss chasing each other when we are both fucked off our faces, i miss watching fucked up videos with you, i miss walking the streets with you, i miss waking you up early hours of the morning because i was scared, i miss drawing funny pictures of each other, i miss finding secret places, i miss the waterfall we would take our toy soldiers for a swim in and photo shoots, i miss the night we got completely fucked, i miss our sayings, i miss taking the piss, i miss laughing at nothing, i miss agreeing to every insult we were given, i miss the weekend we went away, i miss being your best friend. most of all, i miss you.

who are we.

i helped you more than i could handle, but i didn't mind, because we had a best friend contract. i took comfort in having you all to myself. if a boy ever broke my heart, i knew i still had you that would love me un-conditionally. i used to look up too you, you were my idol. years have passed, and we both have changed. we used to be so tight, you still continue to call me your best friend, which sometimes i think is a lie. when you say 'best friends forever' i freak out and run a mile. thing is, you lied to me so much times in the past to the extent, i can't even breathe those words to you anymore. i'm sorry. i can't.

i can't explain this feeling.

i lost respect for the last person i could trust. the fact you could stare into my eyes and tell me you felt the same, and took it back the next day. the fact you promised me you would never ever hurt me, in anyway possible. the fact you can ignore me two weeks straight and then one day decide were still close. i can't get the image of the text you sent me once, saying feeling like this could ruin a lot, meaning our friendship. you didn't want to risk losing me, which i thought was sweet. but, after all of those messages i sent you, telling you how happy you made me, you blew it up in my face. i text you yesterday saying i have lost all respect for you, and that i could never trust you or anybody again. you text me back and said i was annoying. this is when it hit me. you are just another guy, well of course you were. you were all along, i only knew one side of you. i have deleted and burnt every thing that reminds me of you. during the last couple of weeks, trying to get over the fact that you aren't you anymore. i changed, my thoughts, my ways and i took comfort in the thought of not having anything to do with you anymore. i don't drink and haven't drunk alcohol to the extent of getting off my face to forget about you. i don't talk about my mates behind their backs, and if some one were to put any one of them down, i would stand up for them and have their back, i wouldn't sit there and take it like most people do, or go along with it. i genuinely care about the people i love, and i care about myself now, i used to think i was worthless and mad all the time, i used to think that i couldn't do anything. my group of friends are breaking apart, and i'm the only one who is trying to fix it. i was told not to worry anymore, that it was just a waste of time. but, yet, i'm still fighting for all of us. i don't and can't hate or dislike anybody anymore, when people dislike or hate me, i will find a way to fix it or i will just leave them. i take care of my friends when they are sick. i don't feel like i have to impress anybody anymore. the best part of feeling like this, is that i have me back and that's all i ever wanted. i have changed, for the good and i can be proud of myself for the first time in a long time.