leave me the fuck alone.

we're only young. i can do what the fuck i want. for once, i have no drama's in my life and i don't need bitch's shit. so fuck off if you're going to come bitch to me about somebody because i'll just shut your black arse up. we're only young. it's better to do everything you want, when you want to do it. then not doing it wishing you did. so fuck off. this is my life and you don't tell me what to do. fucking fat bitch.

fuck you.

i fucking hate myself for loving you. this feeling will never go away and that makes me so fucking mad. i did everything for you, i went out of my way and canceled plans for you. i would wake up at any time of the night or morning for you, make you things on special public holidays, i tried to prove myself to you for so fucking long and you still don't get it. you fucking used me so much, but i loved you. yes, LOVED. i fucking loved you. i don't love you anymore, but apart of my heart always will. because you were my first fucking everything. the last thing you said to me was 'you can trust me.' i cant trust you! i will never trust you again, i will never fall for your flower talk again. it's not fair, you're not fair. i fucking miss you and i fucking wish things could be better. but you have clearly made your decision. you can ignore me all you want now, because i won't be here to ignore anymore. you're fucking amazing, and i can't make up my mind. why did you, why are you doing this to me! i'll miss you. this is good bye. i don't see the good in it though. maybe, this will change me. meeting you changed me. i wonder if saying good bye can too.

scar.

so the next one came along with a bag of treats, he smelled like
sugar and spoke like the sea. he said don't trust them, trust me.
then he pulled at my stitches one by one, looked at my insides
clicking his tongue and said "this will all have to come undone."
a triangle trying to squeeze through a circle. he tried to blunt me
so i'd fit. doesn't that sound familiar? doesn't that hit too close to
home? doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have
gone? doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
and so that do remember to never go that far, could you leave
me with a scar? i think i realized just in time, although my old self
was hard to find. you can bathe me in your finest wine, but i'll
never give you mine. because i'm a little bit tired of fearing that
i'll be the bad fruit nobody buys. tell me, did you think we'd
all dream the same?

he is we.

broken glass and a pretty face. silent mourn, full of hate. quiet face, silent mourn. screaming for consequence, pleading for more.

i'll give you this.

look at me now, take a look at what i've become. look how much i've changed. look how i learnt from my mistakes (you). don't thank yourself that i'm finally someone. you taught me something, i'll give you that.

"i like you.."

don't sit there and tell me you like me and then the next minute insult me like i was the one who did something wrong. don't fucking pin this on me. i like you too. so don't make this any fucking harder for me. please.

we could have made it.

we hardly knew each other. we both knew that things wouldn't work. you couldn't commit to anything or anyone. we were only together for two weeks and you did four different things that tore me to pieces every time. but, as i do. i forgive, i always do. we stopped seeing each other because feelings went, although you were the second person i've slept with. it's hard sometimes. i used to think and make sure it meant something, but with you? you were heartless. i didn't know you were using me from the start, just because me and her were mates, doesn't mean it'd hurt her. we only knew each other, we weren't even friends. you are heartless and i miss you like crazy. which sometimes makes me sick and sometimes makes me cry. were friends, were not, were friends, were not. you're so confusing. your eyes locked with mine today, mine left yours first today. your always leave first, like you don't even care. but today? you gave me the heebjeebies. it was the same feeling you gave me the first time i layed eyes on you. your smile today, meant something. and i fucking miss you more and i hate myself for it.

you are fucking beautiful.

i remember when it was just you and me. we would play in the daisy fields and take photo's every day. we'd stay up to rediculous hours of the morning, talking about absolute bullshit. we were so close, you were my best friend, but i wasn't yours. we had/have the most amazing friendship. stay happy, who gives a shit what people say, you're fucking beautiful and you know it. i'm so glad we're as close as we used to be. i've missed you so much and i'm so excited to spend a lot of this summer with you. i love you lil' red.

e.t

I MISS YOU LIKE FUCKING CRAZY. THE PERSON WHO I THOUGHT YOU WERE. THE PERSON WHO I WANTED. THE PERSON I WAS WITH. THE PERSON WHO WANTED ME BACK. THE PERSON WHO FOUGHT FOR ME. THE PERSON WHO WOULD KISS ME IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. I MISS BEING WITH YOU. I MISS BEING YOURS AND YOU BEING MINE.

this is the last time.

i won't let you walk all over me. let you get what you want when you're drunk and when i am too. i can control myself, you? you're just another story.

what'd i think about all the time before i met you?

i remember the day we first ever made eye contact, i remember the tingly feeling and the butterflies that shot into my body and i could feel them spreading through my body, making me knees weak and my heart skip a beat. i remember first wrapping my arms around you and i remember you changing my life. what ever happened to that feeling?

faith johanna claessens.

i look at you, and i feel home. we fight, we fight, we fight. then we're happy, happy, happy. i can say anything to you, i can tell you anything and you will know exactly what i'm talking about. i know every single spec about you and likewise. you're like my sister, really. you have never stopped being the one who's always there, you've stuck to our promise. you never broke it and neither did i. i never want to lose you, ever. you are a huge part of me and you are so important. i seriously can't imagine life without you. i love you faith, so much, thank you for every single thing you've done for me. you are fucking amazing and a definite best friend.

fucking liar.

you pushed me into the laundry room and shut the door. you put your hands on my face and started kissing me, you pushed me against the wall. i pushed you away and i told you to stop. you kept talking flowery, and you know exactly what to say to make me change my mind. you asked me what's wrong. "you only invite me over to your house when you want something, you only invite me because you know what to say to me to make me want you. you only invited me tonight because you were drinking and you knew something could happen between me and you. you're using me, i know you are. i'm sick of being used, really, i'm getting tired of it, i never used to care because it was you and i thought i loved you. but i don't feel like that anymore and i don't want to feel like your booty call when you mean so much more to me and i mean nothing to you." i replyed. "i text you all the time, you are like the only girl i talk to the most, i talk to you every day, i always ask you if you want to hang out, if you want to come over for movies and if i can come over. i'm not using you, why do you think i invite you to all of this shit just for getting you out of your clothes, i actually like spending time with you. i ask to hang out with you, because i want to hang out with you, not because i want to get in your pants. you need to realise i'm a better person than you think i am." you answered. that night, of course, we ended up doing everything again, but we talked heaps too. you came in from being with your friends when i was checking my text messages, you took my phone out of my hand, threw it on the ground, pushed me onto the bed and held me, you didn't let go, but one of your drunk friends came in and pulled you off the bed. you went out and i stayed in the room, you came back in and layed down with me. i traced the outlines of your veins and your scars, i felt your piercings and asked how you got all of these scars, you told me the story behind most of them, but your speech was just a blur, but i could still understand just slightly. you told me you were going for a walk with the boys, you left and i fell asleep. i woke up, got a drink and changed beds, i went into the spare room and slept in there. i woke up early in the morning after an all nighter that i just about concered and went home. this was last sunday, and that last thing you said to me was that you were going for a walk. now, what's wrong with this ending, read what you said at the start and read what has happened now. how come you haven't spoken to me? what's different about this ending. you tell me.

like i said.

i don't know how you feel or what you've been through. in fact, i'm not even a part of your life anymore. which is your decision, and i understand that you'd never forgive me for what i've done. but, i still find time in my day to read every single one of your blogs i haven't read yet. sometimes, i read over them more than once. reading these blogs of yours, makes me want to feel your pain with you so i know how to help you. stupid? i guess so. i don't know anymore. but the words i've read of yours lately, during these past two weeks, it seems to me like you're struggling and losing your best friend at the same time isn't the best, especially when she's the only one you need at the moment. i can see your pain, i know you're not okay. i want to help, and i want you to be happy. i don't want you to just smile, i want you to feel like you're completely alive, without drugs and alcohol. i hope you can get better and feel okay soon. i want to help, but i understand that you wouldn't want me to. even if helping was trying to take your mind off things. i'm here, like i said.

over it.

it's your birthday this weekend. i know you're expecting a text from me. stop. think. you can't just sit there thinking i'll let you walk all over me one more time. i don't miss you anymore. i don't wish you lived around the corner anymore and i won't put up with you trying to find an excuse to hate me, like you do every time you leave. it's fucking pathetic. over it. moving on. ta-ta. for now.

sorry.

i remember promising your girlfriend/my friend, that we would only ever be/stay friends. you see, i have a tendancy of breaking promises. but there was a huge reason it was broken, you would help me with things that made me upset, you put a smile on my face. there was a point where your girlfriend stopped us from being friends, it really sucked. i remember trying to hide from her, i remember trying to be friends behind her back, which was probably worse than breaking my first promise. during the time we 'weren't friends' you told me what she had done, that she had come over to your house and had got you kicked out. you then told me it was your birthday the following week. i said 'i would text you, but i can't, i was told to delete your number.' you smiled and said goodbye. that night, your ex girlfriend popped up in chat, turns out it wasn't her, it was you. you wanted my number. during the week until your birthday, we would text each every now and then. you invited me to your birthday drinks. me and a couple of mates came along. seeing you, your face, your smile, gave me the heebijeebies. by the end of the night, you and i were in your bedroom, holding hands and kissing. after that night, we spoke for ages. we were both happy, we both ended up liking each other. one night, i ditched my friends for you. (which was really low.) but i needed to see you. we spent the night in each others arms in your mates shed, we shared a couch and a blanket. (although you stole it off me the whole night and i froze to death.) your ex girlfriend tryed scaring me, it worked, i thought she could have killed me that night. but she left, and then it was alright. i woke up to your face, you had forgotten i was with you, because you were the drunk the night before, but you were really happy you woke up next to me. you said yourself and i agreed, that we were now together. we were together for three weeks, during these three weeks, you fucked me over three times but i still decided to take you back, because were weren't going out and because they weren't that big. you invited me over one morning. (kissing lead to more, but keeping blogspot pg.) that night you ended it with me, for good. you told me you couldn't be with someone right now because of everything that was going on, you had to pay fines and you wouldn't be able to see me much. the next week came and you were already with someone else. when i found out, i had to catch my breath. had i done something? i asked myself. turns out you were just using me. the worst bit, is that my friends told you to tell me that. anyway, it's about a month since i was with you. i miss you like crazy, maybe because you the second person i'd shared everything with. i've been told to get over you countless times, which i am, i just miss you that's all. and i know that this is all my fault, i wasn't your type. i'm sorry. please forgive me. i just want us to be okay, all over again. i miss you like crazy.

everything, put into words.

about a month ago, i was told to leave home and never come back, a day after the person i liked left me. also a day after i lost my two best friends. so i did what i was told, and left. i cryed for days, praying that somebody could help me, that somebody was there to talk too. and in the end, no body was. i just had to pull myself together. i lived with my father, whilst my mother was having a break from me. every morning, i got ready for school, he'd drop me off and leave. as soon as he'd drop me off, i'd walk to the nearest bus stop and catch a bus into town. in town every day i'd either look for a job or take photo's for my photography, which is what i do to take my mind off things. a week later, i came home from school one day, a.k.a town. dad sat me down, and spoke to me about school. he pulled out of his back pocket a piece of paper with my attendance on it, he asked me where i had been for the last month, i told him i'd been at school, which mostly i was. but one week, i didn't go because i couldn't stand being somewhere that is going to upset me as much as i already was. he asked me what was wrong, but i said nothing. i couldn't tell my father what was wrong, i couldn't tell him why i hadn't been at school. why i'm putting my future at risk. he told me that he would get attendance printed out every week from school, and make sure i'm at school. the month i stayed at my fathers changed me. i went from sleeping in, sitting on the couch all day, watching movies all night, and so on. now i have a job and i can't stand sitting down watching television during the day when i can be out in the sun, i can't stand sleeping in because i feel as if i'm wasting the day, i'd watch one movie occasionally, and go to bed early. my mother called me a month later after telling me to leave, saying she misses me and that her home would always be mine too. a week later, i was allowed back at my mothers. a couple of days after that, after searching for a job, i finally got one. my mother and father were proud. one of my best friends text me saying she missed me, saying that she wants to stop fighting. my other best friend did the same. we are all back to normal, the three of us. the guy who left me, now hangs out with my mates, which is alright. i mean i have no say in the matter, but it still upsets me. i get told to get over him, which i am, so many times a day. when they sit there with him, smoking weed and drinking alcohol. thinking to themselves that i can get over someone who has taken over my place in our group of friends. i'm not invited to any group occasions anymore, i ended a friendship with one of my close friends because i knew all along that she has been bitching about all of my mates and that she was two faced. i told my group i didn't want to hang out with them anymore, because heaps of stuff is turned on me. the guy that left me has stirred shit between me and some people. one of my best friends texts him all of the time, after telling me not to text her ex. i lost a childhood friend the other day because i was at a boys house, a boy she hated. a boy i was only just visiting, she took it out of proportion and got all immature about it. i used to steal from my mother and lie to all of my friends. i don't remember the last time i stole or lied to either and i know there will never, ever be another time. if my friends bitch about my other friends, i stick up for them. i don't let my mates put anybody down that i'm friends with. i don't trust any boy anymore, i can't bring myself to even think about liking any boy. a boy i've had a small thing for, for ages told me he that we should try, but i said no, because of what boys have done to me in the past. i don't have a best friend anymore, i hardly talk to the friends i used to hang out with anymore. only on rare occasions. i'm starting to keep in contact with friends from last year. people tell me stop thinking about the guy who left me, how do you stop thinking about someone you cared about so much, that they were your second you know what. i've decided at the end of the year, i'm going to have a party to celebrate my happiness, because i know that at the end of the year, i will be happy. because i know for a fact, i'm changing and have changed and that nothing is going to stop me from being happy and nothing will make me upset. thats everything on my mind at the moment. i just needed to write it down somewhere.

dear blogger.

i love writing blogs. but every thing i feel right now, i cannot put in words. a lot has happened, and i want to write it down, because that's the main purpose i write blogs. it makes me feel better, i guess i don't feel better because i haven't let anything out. i just can't put anything into words anymore. these feelings are undescribable. really.

discover me, discovering you.

lately, i've been having insomnia and waking up early. thinking about you mostly, my tummy is a tied in a knot. this is my fault, (it always is). i miss you and i want you in my heart again. i want to share my secrets and stories, i want to hear about your adventures, i want to know how you are. i can picture your face if you ever read this, which makes me nervous. the idea of life without you, i don't know.