Wednesday, October 13, 2010

everything, put into words.

about a month ago, i was told to leave home and never come back, a day after the person i liked left me. also a day after i lost my two best friends. so i did what i was told, and left. i cryed for days, praying that somebody could help me, that somebody was there to talk too. and in the end, no body was. i just had to pull myself together. i lived with my father, whilst my mother was having a break from me. every morning, i got ready for school, he'd drop me off and leave. as soon as he'd drop me off, i'd walk to the nearest bus stop and catch a bus into town. in town every day i'd either look for a job or take photo's for my photography, which is what i do to take my mind off things. a week later, i came home from school one day, a.k.a town. dad sat me down, and spoke to me about school. he pulled out of his back pocket a piece of paper with my attendance on it, he asked me where i had been for the last month, i told him i'd been at school, which mostly i was. but one week, i didn't go because i couldn't stand being somewhere that is going to upset me as much as i already was. he asked me what was wrong, but i said nothing. i couldn't tell my father what was wrong, i couldn't tell him why i hadn't been at school. why i'm putting my future at risk. he told me that he would get attendance printed out every week from school, and make sure i'm at school. the month i stayed at my fathers changed me. i went from sleeping in, sitting on the couch all day, watching movies all night, and so on. now i have a job and i can't stand sitting down watching television during the day when i can be out in the sun, i can't stand sleeping in because i feel as if i'm wasting the day, i'd watch one movie occasionally, and go to bed early. my mother called me a month later after telling me to leave, saying she misses me and that her home would always be mine too. a week later, i was allowed back at my mothers. a couple of days after that, after searching for a job, i finally got one. my mother and father were proud. one of my best friends text me saying she missed me, saying that she wants to stop fighting. my other best friend did the same. we are all back to normal, the three of us. the guy who left me, now hangs out with my mates, which is alright. i mean i have no say in the matter, but it still upsets me. i get told to get over him, which i am, so many times a day. when they sit there with him, smoking weed and drinking alcohol. thinking to themselves that i can get over someone who has taken over my place in our group of friends. i'm not invited to any group occasions anymore, i ended a friendship with one of my close friends because i knew all along that she has been bitching about all of my mates and that she was two faced. i told my group i didn't want to hang out with them anymore, because heaps of stuff is turned on me. the guy that left me has stirred shit between me and some people. one of my best friends texts him all of the time, after telling me not to text her ex. i lost a childhood friend the other day because i was at a boys house, a boy she hated. a boy i was only just visiting, she took it out of proportion and got all immature about it. i used to steal from my mother and lie to all of my friends. i don't remember the last time i stole or lied to either and i know there will never, ever be another time. if my friends bitch about my other friends, i stick up for them. i don't let my mates put anybody down that i'm friends with. i don't trust any boy anymore, i can't bring myself to even think about liking any boy. a boy i've had a small thing for, for ages told me he that we should try, but i said no, because of what boys have done to me in the past. i don't have a best friend anymore, i hardly talk to the friends i used to hang out with anymore. only on rare occasions. i'm starting to keep in contact with friends from last year. people tell me stop thinking about the guy who left me, how do you stop thinking about someone you cared about so much, that they were your second you know what. i've decided at the end of the year, i'm going to have a party to celebrate my happiness, because i know that at the end of the year, i will be happy. because i know for a fact, i'm changing and have changed and that nothing is going to stop me from being happy and nothing will make me upset. thats everything on my mind at the moment. i just needed to write it down somewhere.

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